When is it appropriate to address your mentor or boss by their first name. Is it appropriate to when they have ended and email with just their first name?
Answers
The overwhelming majority of the feedback I got as I began informational interviewing to prepare for my transition was that I was being too formal - especially with the "sir" thing. That's part of the stereotypical view that a transitioner sometimes has to fight - we're too uptight and strict. One of my mentors went a step further to express that if you are too formal it will actually stand out in a bad way. I believe it's really about striking the right balance between being the right amount of formal and the right amount of friendly and that's something you have to work out on the fly once you get an impression of what the interviewer is like.
You can use sneaky tactics to figure this kind of stuff out in advance such as:
The day before the interview call up the receptionist (or similar) to confirm your directions and ask in passing if the interviewer prefers to be called Mr/Mrs _____ or by their first name. They'll understand and likely give you the insight you need to strike the right tone.
I would agree with everyone above with a couple additions.
Location: The west coast is very informal compared to the East Coast or even the south.
Industry: The tech industry is less formal. Legal, Banking, Financing are more formal.
In the end it is always ok to ask.
Keir,
I agree with dali.. It depends on the comfort level. But the easiest way to determine it is to just ask them what they would prefer. If they signed with their first name, then ask them “Should I call you John or Mr. Frederick? Which do you prefer?” Most of the mentors that I am aware of though are kind of cool and go by a first name basis.
I think that this is determined based on the comfort level you both have. If you want him/her to call you by your first name, just let her/him know how you would prefer being addressed. On the same note, ask him/her how they prefer being addressed. If you don't feel comfortable calling her/him Mr. Smith, but you also don't want to call him/her Jessi, try Mr./Mrs. Jessi.
It's all about how you both feel. Good luck!
Keir,
The impression you make in the first 10 seconds lives forever. When first introduced, it's "Good morning Mr. _____" or "Thanks for seeing me Mr. ___________ ." You may get an answer to form of address right then, "Please call me_______"
Same thing with dress. When I first meet a client, I wear a suit and tie. You'll know right away what the dress code is. If everyone is in business attire or business casual or jeans and t-shirts, that's the rule. Sometimes I get ribbed about the suit in the casual environment, so I'll say "Don't worry, you'll never see me in this outfit again."
BTW, in the responses above, including this one, how many addressed you as "Keir" vs. "Mr. Daniels"?
Great answer by Dan Eddinger ("...use sneaky tactics..."). That's part of your Intel Prep of the Battlefield (IPB) process. Another one is if your boss / mentor is prior service and outranked you. If that's the case, then have a good response. Mine is a retired Admiral, and while she's said I can call her by her first name, I'll defer and use "Ma'am" from time to time. Someone once said "she's retired; you don't have to call her "Ma'am". I replied, "true, but she gave 30 years of service to the country and I think that's earned her an extra courtesy."
Next meeting he called her "Ma'am" too.
;^)
As everyone said, it depends on the comfort levels, but usually the boss / mentor will take the lead. An easy way to avoid the whole issue (especially during an interview) is to just drop the "sir / ma'am" and don't call anyone by name. "As you said...", "When you asked...", "I think we should..."
I agree with what everyone has already recommended. During the introduction, you might ask how they prefer to be addressed. Above all, be respectful, mantain eye contact, ask engaging questions and generally show an interest in what's being discussed.
The mentor I have/had was through here and we were on a first name basis from the beginning. I didn't read what everyone else posted, but quickly glancing at what Paul wrote, I'm of the same mindset.
Regards...
In a business situation I take a more informal approach to Mr. and first names. I will generally call everyone by their first name unless it is a very senior person or the situation warrants it. Yet I do not like to use nicknames or shortened names unless I know that is what they prefer. Listen to how their peers or other subordinates refer them as your guide. You can also look at how they setup their company email address. If they put in Bob instead of Robert then you they have preference. For mentors first name are not only appropriate but necessary as you are peers not a subordiante.
The "Sir" thing is really good at appropriate time. When your boss asks you a general question the answer is "yes" yet when it is really an important point or assignment I find a quiet "yes sir" to be a effective way of conveying I understand this to be an important point and I am taking this seriously. Use it sparingly and it has a greater impact. Do not under any circumstances say "yes ma'am' to any female colleague superior or subordinate. They don't like it.
Always start with respectful address. First meeting - Mr/Mrs/Ms.. if they don't offer to have you call them by their first name, ask how they prefer to be addressed.
In the majority of cases managers/mentors prefer to use their first names. However, when using someone's first name it's best to use the formal version at the onset. For example, if someone's name is Anthony I would not recommend calling them Tony. Even if you note others using the less formal version of the first name it is still best to ask "do you prefer Anthony or Tony"?
I agree that most bosses/ mentors tend to go by their first name. What you might want to do is pay attention to how others address this person and follow suit until and unless the boss tells you to do otherwise. In different regions of the U.S., the customs differ a little. I tend to follow the lead of how they are introduced to me and also if there is a large age gap, sometimes I am more formal as a means of respect. When I call or email contacts within my company, I almost always go by first name only, regardless of position, as that is the corporate culture here and we are all on the same team.
Great advice has been given. My experience has been that after a while - your mentor/boss will let you know if they want you to drop the Ms/Mr. After several months, ask them if they want to continue to address Ms/Mr. Clarifying with them is the right move.
You are generally able to tell when they introduce themselves to you. If they say "Hi, my name is Jim" then you call them Jim. If they use a Mr., Miss, Mrs. or Ms. then you do too; at least until there is a level of comfort established whereby they allow you to use their first name. A couple of exceptions to the rule include professional titles like doctor, judge, senator or sir. Also if you are interviewing you will want to keep it formal, unless they tell you to call them by their first name, which is still sir or ma'am.
There are also ways to help build rapport with people who like to use Mr. or Mrs.
For example I will sometimes call someone knowing what the person's first name is...lets say Bill. Bill answers the phone by saying "hello, this is Mr. Smith. I now have his last name. " I will say is this Bill Smith, whereby he will respond by saying "yes it is or who is calling." Then I say "hi Bill this is Christian Giggy from XYZ how are you today."
At this point Mr. Smith now has a choice to make. He can call me Mr. Giggy knowing that I just called him by his first name and keep it formal; or he can become more casual and address me by my first name. Not only will this tell me how conservative he is and which way to address him, but also, whether I am the one in control of the conversation and can take the lead on making a request that will be granted or possibly denied.
Don't over think it, just play around with it and you'll get the feel for where the level of comfort rests.
Dunno if this is still relevant, but I call people who are veterans by the rank they held all the time, if I know it. They have truly earned it, much like how a Brit can become a "Sir" or a "Dame". Even while I was active, I showed the respect people deserved. In our Navy's Chief's Mess, it wasn't uncommon for people to assume use of first names was completely acceptable "behind closed doors", Being a Chief, I always waited for a Senior Chief or Master Chief to tell me to call them __________ . In my neighborhood, all the kids call nearly all the adults "Mr. Jason" and use the first name, but with a Mr or Miss. I insist my daughter does that too. Once a kid is my daughter's besty, I'll tell them to call me "dad" because I'm used to answering to that in my home. Some do, some don't. Either way, my bottom line is "DO NOT ASSUME". If you're talking to 2 people, or you come into the conversation, and one is your Boss, and the other is his Peer, assuming because they are calling each other "Chris" and "Steve" means you can may be a major mistake. I've actually been referring to people who respond to my posts by first name, but with MR/MISS in front of it. In electronic format, like email, I will Mr/Mrs/Ms them if they use an auto signature, or refer to themselves that way. If they sign it with a first name, and opened with my first name, I take that as permission to use theirs.
I do feel that if they sign off an email with just their first name it is appropriate to address in this less formal manner. If you are unsure, you can never go wrong by addressing by full name.
I referred to someone recently as Mr. Smith and was redirected by a 3rd party who referred to him as Todd. That gave me the opening to address in this less formal way.
It is safer not to call him/her by their first name, unless they tell you to
Things are far more casual than a generation ago. If a lot of age difference is involved (e.g. a 22 y.o. addressing someone in their 50s) stick to Mr/MS until they tell you otherwise. If you are new to an office or location, ask your fellow employees what they call the boss.
This has a lot to do with the culture of the organization you work for. I rarely worked in the private sector where I had to address my boss or mentor by anything other than their first name. When looking for a position, I always begin a cover letter with Dear Mr. Smith: or Dear Ms. Jones, however, once you're part of the team, I would be surprised if you weren't on a first name basis with those you work closely with. I will say once again though, it does depend on the culture of the organization, which you will most likely figure out quickly by observing your other colleagues and peers and how they interact with management, mentors, etc.
When I met my last new boss, I asked him, "how would you like me to address you?" He said first name was what he wanted.
"Mike, can I ask you a question about this deliverable?"
In general, when I am talking with someone else, I refer to the boss as Mr. or Ms. <last_name>.
"Mr. Jones expects me to get this done by the 15th."
At the IRS, people go by their first names. I tried saying sir and ma'm when I first arrived there and it was accepted, but it put them on edge. I do agree it depends on the environment, but seems like when I called them by their first name, they really liked that. It is just another command with different rules. You must conform to their rules in order to be effective. But the dedication to work, initiative, showing up on time, pressing your clothes, all of that makes you look sharp.
From a technology segment perspective, call your mentor by his/her first name the first time and every time. These relationships are meant to be built on trust and familiarity. No one in tech, anywhere, wants to nor would expect you to call them by their formal name. One of the biggest struggles for transitioning servicemen and women is "loosening up", particularly with those above them in an organization. The fact that you respect the hierarchy will be a huge asset but do not let it become akward by interfering with natural socialization and common interactions.
Great question and know that every situation is different. First, listen and observe what others are doing. If everyone goes by their first name, then you can too. In addition, it never hurts to ask - I always believe that asking questions is very important. There are always situational exceptions, cultural exceptions, and conventions based on the field (military, medical, IT, etc.). I work at a global company, Hewlett Packard and everyone uses first names here even C-level executives. So, in short - look at what others are doing, and ask.
Keir, THANKS for your service. The key words here are “your mentor” and “your boss”. The first meeting introduction depends on who speaks first. If you are the one speaking first, then address the person formally (as Mr. / Mrs. / Miss). If the mentor / boss speaks first, follow how they introduce themselves when you speak for the first time (i.e. nice to meet you Mr. / Mrs. / Miss. My name is Keir Daniels, you can call me Keir). Then asked how they prefer to be addressed. I would think that after the first meeting all will be informal. After all, the person is “your mentor” / “your boss”. If the person ends their email with their first name, then yes it is appropriate to address the person there after by their first name. There are always exceptions and the culture may dictate otherwise.
Addressing mentors, bosses, clients, etc. is dictated by the environment of your particular company or section. As a job developer I see many different protocols. Some of my peers want to be addressed by "Mr. or Ms." The clients (Veterans Administration) are most often addressed as such, but, depending on the relationship, i find that first names are more comfortable. My supervisors are all on a first name basis. As an educator I am addressed as Ms. for obvious reasons. As a Chef I was addressed as "Chef". Age or prestige may sometimes dictate how you address someone. Certain occupations come with certain rules.
Regarding the Veterans I work with I have very earnest relationships, so it is better when we are on a leveled playing field. For all intent and purposes I am mentoring them, but am comfortable being addressed by my first name.Feel out the atmosphere and take notice of what your coworkers use. Also take into consideration the level of comfort you AND the individual have with each other. If you are unsure ask if it's okay to address them by their first name. Formality in the work place has changed over the years. It is neither disrespectful or less professional to address by first name - if that is the climate of your organization.
I would recommend first names and as Rich mentioned with clarifying is important
James or Jim...I rarely here folks addressed in a formal way..
This ususally depends on the culture of the organization. We all call each other by our first names in conversations and face to face meetings, however may use both first and surnames when referencing them in written communications. It's a fair question to ask at the beginning of a relationship and I'm sure that in most cases adults would prefer to have adults call them by their first names.
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